Gonna see what happens…
I have a list of things that I’d like to use this space to talk about. Things that have been on my mind or stuff I’ve discovered that I believe will be helpful. But I’m going to sort of use this post today as a journal entry or a method to process what I’m feeling.
At the time of writing this, it's about 11:45 AM, but I feel like I’ve made an entire day's worth of decisions already! I’m definitely not depressed, but getting up in the morning has been a struggle lately. I think it’s because I still find myself living in the past and in the future. I’ve been slowly making my way through various books, and one of them is the book called "Becoming Supernatural" by Dr. Joe Dispenza. The book is about the science and transformative effects of regular meditation. The foundation of the problem that is established in the beginning of the book is that there is a cycle that most people get stuck in due to their internal and external environments that constantly feed each other and make you respond in a way that ensures that cycle is maintained without your conscious will involved. Expectation and familiarity are extremely important factors in keeping that cycle going. For example, after waking up in the morning, checking your phone, getting out of bed, taking a pee pee, and then brushing your teeth, eventually, your body will start to reinforce that pattern and prepare itself to live out that expected reality. It makes sure you have to pee 30 minutes after waking up, and without thinking about it, you’ll unlock your phone and reflexively open your usual app of choice. And when you do those actions, it further strengthens that neurological pathway, and the cycle continues. I made that example because I feel it's on some level universally relatable, but the concept applies to many other things. Like if you are used to stressing about work on a day-to-day basis or accomplishing some goal. Or if you are used to setting goals for a day, not reaching them, and then waking up the next day feeling guilty, those are also cycles that the brain and body fight to maintain. Or if you are used to looking at porn in the mornings or at night before bed, you’ll find that the body and brain try hard to maintain what is familiar. What is familiar is based on the past and it creates these expectations for the future, particularly in the area of worry. There is that saying that says energy flows where attention goes, and if your mind and body are in the past or future, that’s where your energy is dissipated, and you have little left for you and now. And that's crazy because both the future and the past don’t exist. You can’t go back, and you don’t even know if you have a tomorrow. So energy towards that is wasted energy. The book suggests that meditation is a way to break that cycle, allowing for a space to create a new reality for yourself or to start a cycle you actually want to be in. Honestly, it reminds me of when Christ was teaching, and He said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has its own troubles. And then He guides us on this simple awareness practice of looking to nature and being able to see the patterns of existing only in that moment and God’s hand in making sure that those moments are taken care of as they happen. And then we ought to be like that.
I feel that is the exact opposite energy I was on this morning. In my mind’s eye, I took a look at two great mountains. The first mountain was all that I have in my heart to do and become. The second mountain was all of the parts of me that I feel are holding me down from even having a chance to try to climb the other mountain. And that mountain seems impossible to climb as well. And as I stood in the valley of these two mountains and took in their size and scale, I began to feel despair and hopelessness. I started to feel overwhelmed just by the thought of trying, and I started to feel shame and defeat at the idea of not overcoming them. Very "woe is me" type beat.
But as a person who is also embarrassed to show signs of internal weakness, I did whatever I had to do to distract myself. I turned on a show to listen to as I got ready, listened to some music, and eventually landed where I should’ve gone in the first place, which was Scripture (which has never one time left me feeling worse). And I’m listening to Myron Golden talk about the “Conception, Perception, And Deception of Faith”. It was good, but he mentioned when Jesus was talking about having the faith of a mustard seed. And I feel like that just gave me the reminder I needed. There are several pieces of wisdom to be extracted from that, but it was the answer to my two mountains. I don’t have to try to climb them; I need to remove them. And that can be done with the faith of a mustard seed. Instead of trying, I can rely on God’s word that says I’m no longer under bondage of my sin. I sin still, but I’m not in bondage to me, nor is that lifestyle imputed to me by God through faith in Christ already handling that. And that gives me the freedom to actually climb that second mountain. But even that. The mountain represents the impossibility of the vision, which can be summed up as doubt. But through faith, I know I can receive the wisdom to accomplish great things. I know that the work I’m doing is transforming me into the person that can receive and manage and do what has been placed in my heart to do. Through faith, I know that if I focus on serving as many people as I can, all the on the top of that mountain will happen. I know that by faith all my steps are being directed in the right direction despite what it looks like. And so I can tell that mountain of doubt to go somewhere else because I have evidence of things that aren’t apparently visible yet but are certainly there. That perspective makes me look at the mountain of things I need to do as already done. It's not a mountain to me in this moment; I have the energy to stay in the moment of today and do what God put me here to do.
I appreciate you processing with me and hopefully it helped you in some way as well.
Much love,
Kid Maestro